| My insecurities are eating me alive. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|12:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Eminem. Bad ass music. Hell yeah, mother fuckers. | ] |
I miss Randy.
I miss Randy so much.
I want to drop down to 50 pounds, lifelessly say... Will you take me now? Don't you see how much I love you? I've starved myself so that you could see through all the flesh and even bone, to my heart... and what it beats for. And the reason why I haven't killed myself yet. The reason why I am still alive.
My ex-fiance... All I know is Randy. All I know is him. He is my peace.. my hope.. my everything.
But you know what? I have yet to reach 50 pounds because I am a fat ass heffer.
When I see Randy again will he even care? Does he act like he cares, but really inside, he doesn't? I hope so more than anything I could make him feel again. But after all the shit I did, I could make him hate me even more.
I always screw everything up.
I have come down nothing but a road of pain and misery... driving my ugly nails into my sides of fat.
All I have got on my mind is how hungry I am. For a love that I've lost... For a boy who is gone...
I LOVE YOU. I fuckin love you. What more can I say to get him to believe me? He is my everything.
God, I want to kill myself. And every second I think about how the next few months will determine what I do with the rest of my life... and if I will settle with the one I love more than anything...
I don't care what it takes. Putting me into the fucking hospital again won't stop me... Whatever it takes to prove my love.
God, someone help me! :( |
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| *shedding away my fat |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|12:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Okay. Here it is. I cannot wait for the New Year. I need to lose weight
and I need to lose weight fast. This is it. No more playing around.
I cannot take looking into the mirror and see this grotesque,
disgusting body look back at me. I am SO fat... probably weighing more
than I ever have... And I'm finished.
How I am doing it? Not sure. Healthy? Maybe... Back to the old ways?
Possibly... However I eat, I eat... but I can tell you now, the intake
WILL go down.
Amanda is pregnant with a boy.
Jessica is pregnant with a boy.
They are due on the same day.
I want my baby. |
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| *SiLeNt HeLL* |
[Nov. 25th, 2004|01:34 am] |
So, today was definitely productive.
I slept until 2:00.
Went to work from 3-7:30.
Cleaned the house from 8-10.
I finally got this place clean. I can't wait to have the whole house to myself all day tomorrow.
All Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving spent alone. No family. No friends.
Family is going to Grandmothers house. Adam and Allie are going to Buffalo. Oh well.
I just want it to stop. I want the throbbing in my chest to slow to a normal beat when I am in public. Social Anxiety is killing me.
I want the tears to stop pouring and I want the stinging of my skin to stop.
These tears are NOT welcome and I am hurting.
And all I want is for him to realize we belong together.
Why are there always people around... but still, I am always alone when this happens?
I hate the reason I ever write in this thing is when I am depressed or when I act like a stupid fuckin moron and make myself sound immature. I don't know what is going on lately.
I don't know what has been going on lately. I am so stressed and I feel I have been alienated from all the friends I used to have.
The medication I am on hasn't been helping the way it used to.
Nothing hurts more than knowing you ARE capable of being loved and accepted... but not allowing yourself to.
I don't know who I am. I don't know my priorities.
I am so depressed... And here I go again-Bitching, moaning... not writing anything of real substance.
RAPE ME... VIOLATE ME... I HATE YOU JARROD. |
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| Biatch. |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|06:21 pm] |
NAME: Nichole Leigh Lucas
AGE: 19 tomorrow!
SEX: with Matthew;) hehe.. female..
1-WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Moira
2-SEX OR ICE-CREAM? Sex
3-WHAT COLOR PANTIES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Panties? Who says that? Anyway, they are red.
4-WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? Typing.
5-WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT TO EAT WITH? Allie tonight--Pizza Hut.
6-IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? Skip it.
7-WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? Me? Married? HA! Bora Bora.
8-WHATS YOUR RING TONE? b.r.o.k.e.n. cell.
9-WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS? A big chocolate bar?
10-WHAT R U WEARING RIGHT NOW? Um.. A red shirt... Jeans... with a star belt... socks... shoes... bra... and I guess you already know I am wearing "panties."
11-DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? definitely fuckin don't.
12-WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU? "Just do him"
13-DO U OWN A VEHICLE? Yes... Her name is Sophie... She's hot shit. She has the flu right now but she's on medication & things should be all better soon.
14-WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS? Find TRUE love.
15-FAVOURITE FILM? All the "look who's talking" movies... save the last dance, center stage, for the love of nancy, bruce almighty, dumb & dumber
16-LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA? no clue.
17. WOULD YOU MAKE OUT AT THE MOVIES? If he's hott enough & we're in the back.
18-DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? Love it when I'm wasted.
19-ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT? Nope.
20-DO YOU SLEEP NAKED? Only after sex.
21-CHRISTMAS OR HALLOWEEN? Christmas because I always have to work on Halloween.
22-LUST OR LOVE? Love
23-KISSES OR HUGS? Long tight hugs.
24-WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Anxiety Attacks... Guilt after going through a manic phase and spending everyones money... Oh the joy of being completely PSYCHO.
25-WORST SOUND? chewing, loud drinking, sniffing up large amounts of snot.
26-WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Fall back asleep.
27-ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? Both?
28-HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT? 2? What the fuck.
29- TYPE A OR B PERSONALITY: Q
30- BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE? My eyes?
31-TURN ON'S: Your mom... um... Firefighters, sexy, independent, guys who make a lot of money, hockey players, tall, tattoos on arms & back, lacrosse players.
32- TURN OFF'S: drug addicts, smokers, people without jobs
33-DAY OR NIGHT? Night
34-WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL: Summer.
35-CAKE OR PIE? Pie
36-DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? Diamonds
37-SUNRISE OR SUNSET? Sunset. California. Yum.
38-HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE? No.
39-DO YOU HATE ANYONE? Not that I know of.
40-DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIGHTING? Only if someone messed with my sisters.
41-WHO DO YOU TURN TO FOR ADVICE? My mom
42-IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SKILL IN LIFE WHAT WOULD IT BE? I'd lose weight... everyday a pound... until I was down to absolutely nothing.
43-WHERE ARE YOUR FAVORITE PLACES TO SHOP? Fashion Bug.. so cute.
44-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WEBSITE? deadjournal.com
45-IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? Some warm beach, where money grows.
46. IF YOU HAD ANY SUPER POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE: Fly.
47. WHAT GADGETS COULDN'T YOU LIVE WITHOUT? What falls under the category 'Gadgets'
Nap time for me. I miss Matthew. I can't wait to talk to him... Just a few more hours. |
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| fuck men. |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|05:56 pm] |
This is going to be long. I seriously need to vent. Corey hasn't even tried to get ahold of me since our little encounter.
I need to understand the difference between me and everyone else in this world. Why can't anyone keep their mouths shut? Everyone is always jumping to judge. I am a mystery to everyone. All I have is my self-hate. No one wants to know why I feel this way. But, to help with understanding--I feel this way because of all these psychological inconveniences cast upon me by my genetics. I am alone... most people are surrounded by friends. I have been left sinking into my depression for the past 8 years. Help is just a blank check away... but mine resides in suicide attempts.
Everyone hates me. I can feel people laughing from all around. Everyone wants me to go away.
I still have Jarrod's voice inside my head telling me I am worth nothing and never will be. Telling me I am undeserving of love and will never find someone to care for. No one knows me like this voice does. We can see eye to eye in my depression. I drive razors so deep into my heart just to watch it bleed. I cry and scream to try to release this voice and he never leaves my head. It is constantly there with me... everytime I try to laugh, it tells me Im not good enough to be happy... I have to try to put this voice aside and attempt happiness again... But everytime, it all fails... the laughter soon turns into tears and I am back to me... Just me...
I am supposed to have two choices. 1. All better, 2. Running from help. There is no in between recovery. It is one or the other... so again, I will continue running.. far away from my problems.. until they all and more catch up to me.
I want to kill myself. I want to not feel this way anymore. I hear that voice and it kills me. I'd rather just be sad and depressed for the rest of my life, than to hear that voice just for a lil while longer.
It's these thoughts; it's this thought that makes me want to just die; to kill myself. Because not he question is really....not will I go to a treatment center again, not will I ever get better, but moreover what's the fucking point?! |
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| eat shit. |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|04:02 pm] |
I started my work last week. Woot. It's about time.
I hung out with Adam Bashaw Friday, Emmett Perrea Saturday, Zack Richards Sunday, Justin Walker Monday. ((cRaViNg SeXuAl AtTeNtIoN fRoM mEn?! NOOO))
Me and Adam just talked.
Emmett sucked on my boobies.
I gave Zack head and we dry humped.
Justin and I have been sleeping together for a while, so no change there. But last night, he helped move Adam THOMPSON into my house, so all we did was touchy feely.
I made a sign yesterday.
It read, "will vomit for love."
Maybe I should put it on my car.
I can't wait to get plastered this weekend & play some beirut! YEAH. I hope it actually happens--prolly won't though, uh.
I named the ghosts upstairs. I think there are two. Milford & Donna.
Some people just don't know how to drink. I've only found a few that really do. All men.
Oh, Ramen Noodles are my favorite. They are the food of god.. esp when living on the budget I am living on.
I am
Depressed
Lonely
F A T
I think I'm going to go back to my house & veg on the couch the rest of the afternoon. Maybe have Zack or Justin over. *shrugs* |
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| I Love Me To The Bones... |
[Oct. 12th, 2004|01:18 am] |
I have no idea what is going on with my life anymore.
I want out.
I just got to my moms house around 12:30 or so. Justin is an ass. We are fighting again.
Oh, it is cold out & I dread winter.
SmarterChild (12:31:48 PM): You had four biscuits then you ate one now you have three biscuits?
What the hell? Even machines are fucking weird.
I can't wait to see Travis this weekend. It's going to fucking rock.
I don't have time for Justin's shit anymore.
I'm done. (I say that now.)
I am sick of him.
I'm on Effexor.
That was random.
This is stupid as hell.
Anyway, I've been going through some seriously hardcore things lately. I've almost totally excluded myself from my family and friends. Yes, I still hang out w/ them (depending on what freakin day it is). But the only time I ever even talk to my roommate is if I have to piss.
Anyway, I thought Katie was my ultimate best friend.. but we barely communicate anymore.
Wow my eyes hurt. I will finish this tomorrow. Sorry about the lame ass entry.
so long and goodnight. |
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| life is ours... |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|03:40 am] |
I actually had fun for about 45 minutes tonight. I feel guilty saying I had fun. I was meant to be miserable.. that is how it should be.
Tonight, Adam brought Dominic over. It was amazing, although, of course, Dominic gave Katie all the attention. My slutty ass "friend" who needs all attention, so she'd do anything for it.... even if it is making up lesbian stories involving her that never happened.
awesome.
But the forty-five minutes that were great, were the minutes spent in the car ride driving him home. I felt like I could be myself around him when Katie wasn't around, I guess.
I cannot wait to see Rachel.
She is my best friend.. sister.. she's amazing to me.
No one here understands me the way she does.
*burp*--that felt better.
You are the depressed rock!
::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
But I don't take Zoloft.
I'm at Adams.
I left my medications at my house
*oops*
Day two without them.
kill me? |
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| I'm not o-fuckin-kay. |
[Oct. 1st, 2004|01:30 am] |
Fuckin-A
Not feeling too chipper today.
Everything sucks.
I need to get the fuck out of this place... out of this town... out of this state.
It was so cold today. I hate winter.
Day by day I see my life falling apart.
Day by day I see me and Justin growing apart.
Day by day I see me and Zack growing apart.
To my surprise, I find myself caring less and less.
I'm tired of thinking I'm the only one who cares about my relationship with Justin & my friendship with Zack.
And the bullshit Zack fed Katie just makes it even easier to drift away.
I think it was a game when he told me he loved me the other day.
And it frustrated me to no end to know how he always deliberately pisses me off.
Why would you put such effort into pissing off someone you "love"?
Well, according to Justin, it's the "great-make-up-sex" that makes the stress worthwhile. Well, I'm glad sex is the sole purpose in making me angry. I had a feeling he was into it for the ride, rather than for me.
I'm sorry. My best friend and my boyfriend are both retards.
Everyone tells me I'm an idiot for putting up with this shit.
But I guess I wanted to see for myself what was to come of us.
Back to Zack...
The talk we had I guess wasn't as good as I thought it was.
VOMIT.
All day I have felt sick to my stomach.
I'm such a loser.
Hopefully I'll feel better after I get some sleep.
I wonder how much damage will be done.
Zack can definitely say some douche-bag things, but I know he means well.
RIGHT.
I miss him
It makes me sick.
"I still want to be friends"
Woo, but is there even a chance for recovery?
I wish vomiting would make it all better.
All I'd have to do is vomit, and all my pain would magically vanish.
Then I could learn to enjoy vomiting
I'd practice a lot
It'd be fun
I'd lose weight too.
Something I need to do
I'm gonna too
And not healthily either, bitches.
fuck this shit.
so they pulled your confidence down with those verbal discrepancies
now and then you'll gain what they've lost through a challenge of unpronounced
pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it
you might be able to use the very thing that makes us up
wait, now, here when will you believe?
me i'm merely asking you to help me when did i say to murder?
wait, now, here, please hear me out
time consumer, time consuming, consume me. |
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| save yo drama for yo mama |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|03:10 pm] |
Katie says she's 'sad'
Well, guess who was in a mental hospital?
Me, Biatch!
I'm a bad ass..
Rock out with yo cock out.
Katie's a dumb bitch.
I remember the last 2 months of living in MY house.. I no longer had a bedroom.. I slept on a couch.. Why? Because some bitch took over my bedroom.
On top of that, she left all her fuckin shit all over the god damn floor, leaving me to clean it up.
Fuck her, shes full of shit.
She was always the one telling me lies.
Wonder why I don't trust her?
She fucked Justin when I was with him.
Wonder why I don't trust her?
Then she goes telling me she was having Justin's baby.
She's had three periods since then...
Keep lying BIATCH.
I fuckin cleaned that house like it was my job.
And now that we have our own place, I think I've seen her do the dishes... ONCE.
She thinks I ruined her fucking "relationship" with Nick?
They never had a good relationship to begin with.
Since when do you CHEAT on your "good relationship"?
I want her to just stay out of my life.
Nick dumped her ass for a real human being... but no, Sarah's a ho and a bitch. Get a freaking grip.
Eat Shit.
Why don't you get your lies straightened out before you start shit next time.
I've wasted enough time on her... I hope she chokes on a dirty cock. |
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| you wanna know who i really am? well, so do i... |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|04:42 pm] |
I never thought the day would come where I'd be questioning my relationship with Zack.
He's been my best friend... He's been here for me... He's one of the few people I CAN trust.
And now... I don't even know where we stand.
If we'll ever be the same.
It breaks my heart to think about our friendship not being there anymore.
Instead of worrying about how mine and Katie's friendship will be, all I am concerned about is my relationship with Zack.
How am I supposed to feel comfortable and be myself when I know Zack's attitude towards me has changed?
Everyone is so quick to say I'm the one who's changed since Justin... When if they sat down and thought about it, I'm the same.
I always will be.
If people don't even have the balls to tell me how I have changed, then fuck them.
How am I supposed to fix something if they won't even tell me what to fix?
And Zack.. Kill me for wanting to be friends with Justin.
And I'll let you know... Justin and I have NOT been hanging out as much as we did before Zack came along.
So once again, with the bullshit about me changing and being a bitch... fuckin-a.
If I'm nice to Justin, "I've changed"... but if I treat him like shit, Im still the bitch Nichole, right? Please...
I'm still that girl who is never happy, always sad, who either shows no emotion or way too much emotion at once.
But that is what you want, right?
God forbid me be horny and get some ass, right? If Justin and I stopped with everything, I'd still act the same...
Wait, I take that back... I'd be pretty pissed off about the whole Zack situation
Because he'd still be an ass to me... and that'd cause me to be the biggest bitch.
How dare Zack treat me differently because of Justin.
One of my closest friends has nothing kind to say to me or about me.
well, NO WONDER SHE'S "CHANGED"
How would you feel/act?
I think I've handled this about as maturely as possible... if Maturely is indeed a word.
I've asked Zack several times these random questions that have been eating me away inside..
Everytime I get an empty response.. and him just ignoring me..
Well, I can't do it anymore
It's killing me, whether he knows it or not.
And I hate knowing he tells me he cares, but really doesn't.
I hate being lied to..
Especially about someones feelings.. it's happened way too many times.
I really wish I knew how to fix this.
Either way, I'll never forget this
Friends don't treat friends like this... Friends wouldn't want to see their friends in pain.. or at least, they would tell them what the problem is. He has a major problem opening up.
Maybe if he would let me know what was wrong, we could work on it.
Instead, he makes me feel like I'm nothing...
Makes me feel like I'm a waste of space when I'm around.
You wanna know why we never talk anymore?... this is why Zack.
I can't have a conversation with him without feeling insecure.
Bahhh... I am sick of this.
This isn't helping anything.
Zack won't read this.
Even if he somehow did, he'd only have something nasty to say about me.
I'm not saying any of this because I am angry.
This is the way I feel about the situation.
Zack is too stubborn to listen to my feelings.. and I can't deal with it anymore.
My friends are what keep me going.
But when one of my closest friends couldn't care any less about me.. it makes me wonder what the point in having friends at all is.
If Zack can abandon me so quick without letting me know why, then so can everyone else..
Which REALLY scares me......
-----------------------------------------------
She's been losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful |
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| Make me feel b e a u t i f u l |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|11:04 pm] |
You cut to forget somthing/someone. Someone else
would eat a whole lot of chocolate when they
don't feel so happy, you lock yourself up and
try to cut your memories away. You look like a
normal person, 'till someone brings up things
you don't want to think about. But it's hard to
forget things you are completely obsessed with,
isn't it?
What Kind Of Cutter Are You? (~TrIgGeRiNg~ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Ok so yeah, I havent cut in a while but that is how I felt when I did.
That sucks.
I can't believe it has been over a year since I have written here. A lot has happened in a year. I fell in love, he broke up with me, I attempted suicide, I ended up in the hospital and admitted to the psych. ward. I spent a little over a week there. Lying out my ass to get myself out of there. Why is it that I want so much and yet I can not have any of it? Priceless things... things I feel I work hard for.. Nothing in return.
I have been having sex with this guy named Justin. He is extremely gorgeous and perfect in everyway. I tried becoming pregnant with his baby... AGAIN... how funny... another failure. Anyway, everything truly sucks... Still... After years of this pain, I am still in distress. I got my own place. I am kicking Katie out of it. I cannot stand her. Best friends MY ASS.
I love you Rachel
I love yu Adam
I love you guys...
xoxo
Fuck the world. |
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| ....ass hole!.... |
[Jun. 28th, 2003|08:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | NAAAAWWTHIN! | ] |
Wow! I haven't written in SO long. There are quite a few things I need to explain here! Well first.. what my day today! So I woke up at Adam's house. I got in the shower and called Crystina when I got out and asked her to come do my hair. She came over and it looked really pretty. I went to Adam's graduation and I sat with Jarrod's family(Melissa, Jim, Crystina, and all his aunts & uncles, and grandparents). I got home from that and just hung out at Adam's for a while. I didn't do much... just kinda sat around... I got a phone call at like 4:30 from Crystina asking if I wanted to go for a walk with her. I said I would because Adam was acting mad at me and he wasn't talking to me so I was bored off my ass. I went for a walk with Crystina.. a looong walk with Crystina! We saw Jarrod drive by during our walk and he didn't wave or anything. Just drove by, biting his fingernails like he was scared or something. Crystina said "Boy he is friendly." Anyway, we got back from our walk and I went back to Adam's. Again he was being rude to me so I walked back over to Crystinas (Jarrod, Melissa, and Jim were all gone.) We hung out there for a while until Melissa and Jimmy were home. When they got home Melissa asked if Crys and I wanted to go to Aldis with her to get food for Jarrod's graduation. We said we did so we headed. Well she had to go to her fathers house and then to Jim's mothers house. On the way over to her fathers house, Melissa was telling me how much she LOVES me and how much better I am than the "new" girl(Ashley.) And boy when we went to Melissa's fathers house, was that ever an adventure! Okay so I was at Jarrod's grandfathers with Crystina and Melissa. We were all just sitting outside doing nothing. All of a sudden Josh LaVigne and Jarrod pull up. Jarrod was there to pick up his grandfathers truck. I don't think he recognized me at first because he was just kinda looking. Then all of a sudden I hear him scream "FUCK!" Melissa thinks he is more mature than he is so she runs over because she thinks something happened to his car since he is a passenger. She says "Jarrod, Jarrod, what is wrong?!" And he is like "*points at me* THAT IS WHAT IS FUCKIN WRONG MOM" and he is telling Melissa that I am a slut and a whore and Melissa keeps telling him to shut up and he says "OH MOM, THAT'S REAL CUTE. YOU ARE TAKING HER SIDE NOW, HUH?" And Melissa tells him to shut the fuck up. He is calling me names like slut, whore, bitch.. every possible name in the book and he was screaming so loud that the neighbors were looking out the window. His grandfather walks over to him and says "Shut up Jarrod or get off my property. If you don't I will call the cops." And he says "Okay Mom, tell him(meaning his grandfather) what the bitch did to me. MOM, FUCKIN TELL HIM WHAT THE BITCH DID TO ME." And Melissa keeps telling him to shut the hell up. I'm just standing there wondering what I did do to him! Crystina keeps telling me not to listen to him, but that was kinda hard you know? Anyway, he walks over to the truck (which was close to me) and his grandfather says that he can't take the truck anywhere. So he points to me with the evil eyes he has. I looked at his hands knowing they were about to hit me. And he said "So I came all the way here to look at THAT?.. I came here for no reason and had to see THAT?" And then Melissa told him to shut up and to leave. And he said "Wow, I am getting out of here." he jumped in Josh LaVigne's car and gave me the finger and he left. Melissa hugged me. She kept reminding me how beautiful I was and how much of a dickhead Jarrod is. She told me how much better I am than Ashley and that it was Ashley coming through and it wasn't him yelling. She must have told me that she was sorry 10 times and told me how much better I am 20. His grandfather told me not to worry about Jarrod and that Ashley is the slut, not me. Melissa said "I know you have only been with my son and one other guy and what I know of Jarrod has only been with you and Ashley. And Ashley has been with 30+, now what does that tell you about this triangle?" Melissa told me how much better I am. How I am not fake. How I get jokes and laugh. How I have a sense of humor and Ashley is just dull. She stressed it a lot how much better I was than Ashley. I thanked her so many times for all she's done to help me. She really is a friend to me. I do love her.
Better note! I leave for New York City tomorrow. I cannot WAIT! But now I am going to go. I have to pack, pee, and chat with Adam! PEACE!
-Nik |
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| hmmm..... |
[Jun. 12th, 2003|09:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  horny | ] |
I can't write anything because Ryan is next to me and continues to look at my screen like he is now. Haha, now he is smiling. Anyway I will write more tonight when I get home.
You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.
How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| .....................................i want to be perfect..................................... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2003|09:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ![](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/goth_boy/sleepy.gif") sleepy | ] |
I weighed myself.. and I have *gasp* gained four fucking pounds. Someone shoot me now. Whenever I have bad days.. really bad days.. suddenly Jarrod comes back. Whether I see him or talk to him online he comes back. And everything is good again.. amazing.. Wow I can't even believe the effect just one conversation with someone you love that much can have on you. Fuck him though.. what the FUCK ever.
"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."
I am bored and need to get my mind of things.. here's a survey.
[ name ]: nichole
[ nicknames ]: nik
[ born in ]: potsdam
[ resides in ]: brushton
[ good student ]: eh..
[ eyes ]: blue
[ hair ]: blonde
[ shoe size ]: 8-9
last time you...
[ had a nightmare ]: last night.
[ said "i love you" and meant it ]: this morning
[ ate at mcdonald's ]: saturday i had a mcflurry.. UGH..
[ dyed your hair ]: mid-may
[ brushed your hair ]: this morning
[ washed your hair ]: this morning
[ checked your e-mail ]: last night
[ cried ]: this morning
[ called someone ]: yesterday
[ smiled ]: this morning
[ laughed ]: this morning
[ talked to an ex ]: yesterday
do you...
[ do drugs? ]: no
[ sleep with stuffed animals? ]: no
[ have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: yes.=
[ play an instrument? ]: no
[ believe there is life on other planets? ]: not sophisticated life like ourselves, but maybe bacteria and shit
[ remember your first love? ]: yes
[ still love him/her? ]: yes
[ read the newspaper? ]: no
[ consider love a mistake? ]: no
[ like the taste of alcohol? ]: some
[ believe in god? ]: eh...
[ pray? ]: no
[ go to church? ]: no
[ have any secrets? ]: yes
[ have any pets? ]: a kitten
[ talk to strangers who instant message you? ]: sometimes.. usually not though
[ wear hats? ]: no
[ have any piercings? ]: ears, tongue, belly button
[ have any tattoos? ]: no
[ hate yourself? ]: yes
[ have an obsession? ]: yep
[ have a secret crush? ]: was secret up until about 2 weeks ago
[ collect anything? ]: no
[ have a best friend? ]: yes
[ like your handwriting? ]: yes
[ have any bad habits? ]: bite my nails
[ care about looks? ]: of course
[ boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: to some degree.. he can't be a scummer
[ friends and other people? ]: nawww
[ believe in witches? ]: no
[ believe in satan? ]: eh...
[ believe in ghosts? ]: yes
current...
[ dress ]: zana-di jeans, red top
[ mood ]: exhausted
[ make-up ]: concealor, 2 eye shadows, mascara, lip gloss
[ music ]: nothing
[ taste ]: my gum
[ hair ]: in a ponytail
[ annoyance ]: school
[ smell ]: nothing
[ thought ]: i wish i hadnt ate this morning
[ fingernail color ]: none
[ refreshment ]: nothing
[ worry ]: being fat
[ crush ]: fleury, ian, gerace, craig, mathew.. im a fuckin pimp
[ favorite celebrity ]: ashton kutcher
last person...
[ you touched ]: no idea
[ you talked to ]: the lady in the office
[ you hugged ]: no idea-probably haley
[ you instant messaged ]: adam
[ you yelled at ]: myself this morning in the mirror
[ who broke your heart ]: fleury hurt me last.. but didnt shatter my heart.. so i guess jarrod.
[ kissed ]: ian |
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| hate... |
[Jun. 2nd, 2003|09:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
I am barely awake. The screen is blurry and my eyes are sore. I got about an hour of sleep last night. Want to know why? Because I had to wake up in the middle of the night to exercise. Hospitalization?? I'm not ready for you yet..
There are so many people who think anorexia is a diet.. and it is there for you to lose weight. Well newsflash!!
*Don't fall into anorexia to begin with
*Don't go to anorexic websites
*Don't hang out with anorexic people
*Don't try to be like anorexics
*Don't use anorexia as a quick weight loss plan
*Know and understand what anorexia really is and how it effects those who have it
*Understand that anorexia is not cool
*Anorexia is not a club
*Anorexia kills
*Anorexia brings pain and suffering, and often times DEATH
*Anorexia hurts you
*Anorexia hurts those who love you
*Anorexia puts a strain on families and relationships
*Anorexia wants to be your ONLY friend
*Anorexia causes you to isolate yourself from others
*Anorexia destroys you and stops you from being able to realize it
*Anorexia makes you see a fat person in the mirror
*No matter how little you weigh, just before you die you will still think you are fat
*Anorexia takes every little thing you love away from you
*Anorexia and depression go hand in hand
*If you are not anorexic right now, thank God
*Be happy with yourself the way you are
*These are the best tips I can give you....
I don't think that Anorexia is something someone suddenly decides they want to be. For as long as I can remember, I had a problem with food. I never wanted to eat because I felt that I would get fat. And look where I am at today.. Anorexia isn't something that begins in one day. It is a slow disease that builds up into something you can NOT control. I think I was born with it. That it is a part of my DNA and I can't control it. I know I can't control it. Just when I think I can handle maintaining, I make myself lose 10 more. I will never be perfect enough.
I'm out
-Nichole |
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| Control... |
[May. 27th, 2003|09:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nothing. | ] |
I am extremely unhappy.
Adam keeps telling me that he loves me. I do not deserve love.
I don't deserve anything.
It isn't fair that I try and try so hard and get nothing but pain. And those who hurt people.. get anything. Jarrod, after all he as put me through/is still putting me through, is HAPPY. Why is that? Why is it that I can barely make it through the day and Jarrod is fine. He has a job, a car, a long-term relationship... he has what *I* want. But I will never have because I am too fat. Too fat...
I ate breakfast this morning. I had 1/2 a bagel and 1 tall glass of diet coke... that is 150 calories.
I barely slept last night. I fell asleep around 2:30 but I was up tossing and turning all night. I woke at 8. I woke up to the sweet voice of Craig. What a perfect way to wake up. Him, in my living room, talking.. asking where I was.. *sigh*.. I'm wanted. The day started off perfect but then I really woke up. PERFECT? Yeah... okay...
I am going to Fleury's baseball game right after school. Nicole and I are going together which will be nice because Nicole is amazing. See, Nicole was my best friend up until around ninth grade. When I quit playing sports because of my depression and she continued to play then it drifted us apart. She was always busy with practice. Soccer from August-October, Basketball from November-March, Softball from March-May. She leaves for college in August. So hopefully we can spend a lot of time together these next 3 months.... as long as I don't get too sick and end up in a hospital.
Langley arrived at Renfrew today. She amazes me... she is so strong... I will miss her a lot over the next 30 days, but it is definitely best for her. I think I will write her a letter tonight.
Kevin gets angry with me when I show my feelings. I don't know if he wants me to lie and tell him I am doing well when he asks? Maybe that is what I will start doing. I will tell him how wonderful I am doing. *Rolls eyes*
My stomach is growling. No lunch until 6:00pm. I am busy until then. School... Fleurys game... I will eat a 300 calorie lunch and around 300 calories for dinner/snacking. Total me to about 750 calories. It seems so easy, in my head.
It's always so easy in my head...
Imperfect-
Nichole |
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|
| --F-A-T-- |
[May. 25th, 2003|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Chris Cagle-What a beautiful day... It reminds me of Craig.. | ] |
As I take a bite of a granola bar...
"Nichole, why do you continue to eat all these fattning foods? You are worse than me" -Quoted by my 300 pound father who, luckily, weighs enough to get that stomach stapling surgery this summer. I, of course, threw my granola bar away. Want me to stop eating fatty foods? How about I stop eating for good? Slowly, but surely, I am falling back. I planned my day for tomorrow... around 600 calories.
Since when is 600 calories too much? I don't know, but reading it sounds like a lot.. maybe I will lower it.
I was tired of my life when I was 15. Why can't he just take it all away?
Just now:
My mom-Nichole make sure you take your medicine tonight... you really need it... you have been prescribed it for a reason.
*I ignore her*
My mom-GO TAKE IT!
Me-I don't know where it is...
Random people who search for random journals and come across mine always ask for facts about me. I DO NOT WANT TO TELL THEM ANYMORE. So here, kids... don't ask again-
I am 17, I will be 18 in November
I have had full-blown anorexia/bulimia for going on 2 years but borderline anorexia for about 5 years.
I have never been hospitalized but I am currently in an out-patient program.
I am 5'2" and I will not tell you my weight because it is grotesque.
I am a whore.
Youngest guy I have "been with"-13.
Oldest guy I have "been with"-31.
I am a dancer.
I love, live, and breathe hockey.
I was supposed to be playing Softball this year, but did not make the team. I am too fat...
My weight amazes me. Absolutely amazes me. I am still at only a 12 pound loss....
Artistic Cutter
Blood and cutting is your art. When you can't get
the lines right for your masterpiece, you
totally freak out. Luckily, you can just start
over on the plenty of other skin you've got
left. Your body is literally a canvas. Good for
you!
Good Song For You- Fiona Apple- Criminal
Good Movie- Girl Interrupted
What kind of cutter are you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
|
|
| ASS. |
[May. 20th, 2003|09:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hmm... perfect?....
Yesterday was another extremely hard day to get through. |
|
|
| ...nothing... |
[May. 13th, 2003|10:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
Every time I try, I get nothing
Every time I eat, I get nothing
Every time I beg, I get nothing
All I ever get... is nothing
600 calories yesterday
0 calories today.
I haven't had a perfect fast in a while... and still I am totally and completely imperfect
What is my fuckin' problem?
Adam: Nichole go eat
Me: No. You say it like it is easy..
Adam: It is easy
How would he know? Does HE have an eating disorder? Does HE have someone threatening them that if they eat they will kill them? No.. I don't think so.
I can't stop crying. I can't laugh. I am so sad. I don't have any reason to live anymore. I am so fuckin fat.
I had a dream last night that Craig and I were "officially" dating and we were hanging out in his backyard laying on his trampoline and he picked me up when we were going back in side and said "I can't be with you anymore because you weigh 280 pounds." I would absolutely die if I hit 280 pounds.. hell, I would die if I even hit 200 pounds. So my dream scared me I guess which may be a sign. A sign that I am a fat-ass mother fucker who doesn't deserve to eat. I am so gross.. so fat..
Mathew got his tux today. He is definitely coming to prom. Craig still insists that I must have done something with Mathew that he doesn't know about for him to travel up here just to spend one night with me. Should I be offended??
I Love You Jarrod James Prescott... I wish you would stop hurting me... Please, stop hurting me... *wipes tear*
Well you probably won't remember,
It's pronbably ancient history.
I'm one of the chosen few,
Who went ahead and fell for you.
I'm out of words, I'm out of touch,
I fell too fast, I feel too much.
I thought that you might have...
Some advice to give,
On how to be insensative. |
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